How to Stay Safe

The pamphlet fits in my coin pocket. Folded tight.

Opens like an accordion: twenty-four panels divided by creases worn soft as cloth.

A lighthouse on the cover, the color of ER scrubs.

SafeHouse Center: Building communities free of domestic violence and sexual assault, it says.

The paper turns translucent against light.

Have a plan.

Keep a phone charged. Keep a bag packed. Keep your story straight.

Police say this happens in every city, township, and village.

So it’s not just me. This can happen to anyone.

There’s nothing wrong with me.

I remind myself of that.

Identify safe exits.

Practice getting out of your home. Identify the best exit routes.

Windows. Hallways. Which Doors have locks? Which don’t? Know the pattern of your environment.

I’ve mapped it in my head—how long it takes to cross from the bathroom, to the kitchen, to the stairs, and out the back door.

When an argument begins, try to move to a room with a safe exit. Avoid a bathroom, kitchen, the stairs, or anywhere with weapons.

Every room has something. Every room.

Trust your instincts.

If you notice “warning signs” in your partner’s behavior, get out or get help before an assault happens.

I keep a journal. Look for patterns.

It says feelings reveal valuable information about one’s internal state and perception.

It also says perceptions may not be factually accurate.

So I don’t know.

During a violent incident.

You have the right to protect yourself until you are out of danger.

Her eyes dart to the clock when I walk in. To her phone. To me.

She demands to know why I didn’t call.

She says she can’t breathe when I’m like this.

Practice staying calm.

People make mistakes when they panic.

I read somewhere that breathing through the nose helps slow the heart rate.

So I tell her to try it.

“Count things,” I say. “Name some colors in the room. Feel the floor beneath your feet.”

But she won’t.

She keeps shouting.

Says she doesn’t care who hears.

Leave if you must.

Planning to leave your assailant can be very dangerous. Follow these suggestions if you feel it is safe to do so.

Once with a packed car. Once on foot, in the middle of the night, with a friend idling down the street.

Both times, she said she was sorry.

Both times, I believed her.

Protect your emotional health.

Think positive thoughts about yourself.

Be assertive with others.

Communicate your needs.

Says she’s scared of me when I’m angry.

I tell her I’m scared of me when I’m angry, too.

That usually quiets her down.

Call for help.

Always remember: YOU DON’T DESERVE TO BE HIT OR THREATENED.

Keep SafeHouse Center’s phone number close at hand and memorize it if you can. 734-995-5444.

I’ve memorized it.

If it ever happens again, I’ll call first.

I’ll tell them I tried to stay calm, that I followed every step. That I did everything the booklet said.

That I documented everything.

That I have evidence.

That I only wanted to keep us safe.

If you feel your rights have been violated

Remember: police misconduct cannot be challenged at the time of an incident. Don’t physically resist officers or threaten to file a complaint.

Write down everything you remember, including officers’ badges and patrol car numbers, which agency the officers were from, and any other details. Get contact information for witnesses.

I keep records.

Date, time, what was said. What I said back. How loud. How long.

Evidence that I tried.

If you are injured, take photographs of your injuries (but seek medical attention first).

I have photographs. We both do.

Safety with a personal protection order (PPO)

The pamphlet is in my pocket. Right front. Just above the hip.

Unfolded and refolded so many times, the creases are crumbling.

You can talk with a SafeHouse Center Advocate at any time of the day or night.

I know.

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